But I also feel like a lost cause.
I think I know what love feels like. How else can someone give you all the energy, willpower you need for living by just existing? And, at the same time, sucking out all the air in the room when they enter, making you feel breathless?
There’s a quote from Person of Interest I found a while back:
When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. Someone better. When that person’s taken from you, what do you become then?
That’s how I felt about a year and a half ago.
I connect with people based on trust. If I trust them, I can tell them how I feel, and vice versa. When that trust disappears, it’s not very likely to reappear.
A year and a half ago. She broke my trust. She left. Since then, people have been asking me “Are you ever going to talk to her again?”. But it’s not that simple. I can talk, but without trust, there’s not much to say. “She wants to make amends,” they say. It’s not that simple. I once gave her everything, everything I felt or dreamed about. When she left, she broke me. I might still be broken.
I don’t forgive easily, especially people who have made me feel like total garbage.
“No way,” I respond, and we continue to talk about the weather.
A year and a half ago, when she left, I gave up on love. I truly believed she was the one. But no, life taught me a lesson. Since then, I haven’t felt anything like it. I didn’t think I could.
Wandering around the city, maybe I’d find the right person. Maybe not. Probably not.
A few months ago, I met someone. To this day, we haven’t really talked, I have no idea what kind of person she really is. But she seems like a nice girl. I probably like the idea of her more than I’d like herself, but whatever.
I like that feeling.
No, I’m not going to tell her how I feel. I probably don’t have the guts to even go and talk to her. That’s because I’m scared. Scared of rejection, of defeat, of feeling broken again.
I’m searching for true love, I genuinely believe that exists.
That’s why I’m a lost cause. And I don’t give a shit.
It’s nice to feel something. It makes me feel young. It makes me feel like there’s something to struggle for.
Until I find Her, I’m going to live my life just like I have the past year. I love what I do, and I hope I will find someone to share it with.
This whole post is probably bollocks. Whatever. I’m drunk.